And now my question: Why is the porn the issue? His throwing out her underwear or insisting on anal was somehow not a warning sign in itself. Nope, the porn made him this way. Without porn, he never would have raped.
Her husband was a huge fan of pornography. She isn’t and never has been. It went from him wanting her to wear the underwear you see women wearing in porn to actually ordering it for her. He threw out the underwear she did have and tried to fill her drawers with split crotch pants and peep-hole bras, stockings and suspender belts, lace, black and pink. Why? Hello? She’s already told him a hundred times that she won’t wear that. And then she started asking me if ‘everyone’ did anal sex because he says ‘everyone’ does it, it’s ‘all over’ the videos he watches and he wants her to do it. She doesn’t want to do it. I tell her ‘no – not everyone does that’ and she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. But then he rapes her.
She was imprisoned in their bedroom for three days and two nights. Repeatedly anally raped, vaginally raped, orally raped and burned with cigarettes – yes, another ‘fun thing’ women are depicted as thoroughly enjoying in pornography – and gods know what else that she still can’t speak about, while her two year-old daughter and six year-old son were in the bedrooms next door.
She escaped (went to buy him a newspaper) sometime on the Sunday. The police brought her to me late that night. She couldn’t go home – it was a crime scene – and her children were with their paternal grandmother so she couldn’t exactly go there either. He was in prison on remand. She couldn’t sit down. Seriously, she couldn’t sit down. He’d hurt her so that she couldn’t even sit down. She was covered in burns, traumatised, and so brutalised she couldn’t sit down.
This man professed to love her. Even now, he still says that he loves her. He can’t love her as a person – he’d never subject her to that, surely? He may well just love her as a breathing enactment of pornography – his true love.
She is still traumatised to this day. She’s kept her life together for the sake of her kids but her self is still in tatters. She has no ‘self’ to speak of. She is broken.
This happened because of pornography.
Apologists might say “yes, but not every man who looks at porn reacts this way”.
I say “one is enough.”
The assumption is that he was transforming her into his little pornlet somehow, transfixed by what he saw on the pages or on the screen.
Why should we assume that the porn came first, that he wasn't someone who always saw women as worthless and used the excuse that porn stars do the things he likes to force himself on his partner?
Why is his behavior interpreted here as a downward spiral of porn's influence, rather than a cycle of testing behavior? "Will she wear the panties? Ah, she did if I pushed. If I throw out her underwear, will she...? Oh look, I insisted on anal and she said no but acted uncertain when I told her anyone else would, I can get her there..."
This man was testing this woman. He was "getting her ready" for the rape. The rape didn't come from the porn... it came after a series of actions designed to probe what he could and couldn't get away with, and eventually judging her a good potential victim!
Any self-defense class will tell you that stranger rapists "assess." Why not immediately realize that this guy was assessing as well -- assessing what kind of relationship he could create, such that he could progressively push boundaries and eventually rape this woman.
Why is this not blatantly obvious? Why is this "a reaction" to porn rather than extremely common, run of the mill rapist behavior from go? Why is this about the porn giving him ideas, and not about a slow, careful pattern of establishing control?
Where exactly does this idea that people would never harm others if not for porn come from? This person brutalized his victim so that she couldn't sit down: does your standard, run of the mill mainstream porn make people not only think of that, but want to do it? Does gonzo make you want to force people into it? Why? How?
I'm not claiming porn didn't influence this guy. Maybe it did. Maybe he loved and respected women until he first got a hold of girlie mags. I don't know -- though something in me strongly doubts that.
But I am saying that there are more to warning signs than PORN, PORN, PORN.
PORN doesn't make you a rapist. Making a particular choice does: the choice to rape someone.